Why Men Still Feel Like Orphans in Church

/Unpacking how church culture often nurtures performance over identity./

I’ve sat in churches where the worship was powerful, the preaching was solid, the programs were full—and yet the men were empty.

They showed up. They served. They raised their hands.

But deep down, they still didn’t feel like sons.

They felt like orphans. Workers. Soldiers. Performers.

And if I’m honest—so did I.

The Unspoken Culture of Performance

No one said it out loud, but it was there:

Read your Bible more.

Volunteer more.

Lead your family better.

Stop sinning. Be strong. Man up.

The message wasn’t always wrong. It just wasn’t complete.

Because men don’t just need responsibility—they need identity.

You can pile on all the disciplines and duties you want.

But if a man doesn’t first know who he is, it will crush him.

Or worse, it will puff him up. Either way, it doesn’t root him.

And most churches don’t know how to speak to a man’s heart like a father would.

They disciple for behavior, not identity.

They preach Jesus as Savior, but forget He’s the Way to the Father.

They give men more to do, but never tell them who they are.

Saved, But Still Orphaned

A couple years ago I heard a quote that changed how I saw all this:

“The Holy Spirit reveals our need for a Savior and brings us to Jesus. Jesus saves us, cleanses us, and brings us into relationship with the Father.” – Mark Driscoll

That quote exposed something in me.

I had stopped at Jesus.

I knew the cross, but I didn’t know the embrace.

I could quote the gospel, but I didn’t live like a son.

And suddenly I realized: you can be saved and still live like an orphan.

You can go to church, read your Bible, serve in leadership, and still live with a deep ache.

Still be striving for approval. Still be afraid to be fully known.

Still feel like you're performing for a God who stays distant.

Why It Matters

Men are burning out in churches across the country.

They’re walking away. They’re going passive.

Or they’re becoming religious, rule-keeping shells of who God has created them to be.

Why?

Because they don’t need another sermon.

They need a Father.

They need someone to walk with them into identity.

They need leaders who don’t just teach doctrine, but model sonship.

They need space to confess they’re exhausted, unsure, ashamed—and not be disqualified.

We don’t need louder churches.

We need fathering churches.

Churches that call men up—not through guilt, but through grace.

The Church Needs Sons

I believe in the Church.

I love the Church.

But I’m convinced the Church will only become what it’s meant to be when men start living as sons — not just servants.

Sons don’t serve to earn.

They serve because they belong.

Sons don’t perform to be accepted.

They show up because they already are.

Sons don’t hide their weakness.

They bring it into the light and let the Father heal it.

My Challenge to You

If you're a man who feels like an orphan — even inside the church — you’re not alone. And, you don’t have to stay there.

The journey home starts with this:

Stop performing.

Start receiving.

Let the Father tell you who you are.

And if you’re a pastor or leader:

Don’t just call men to do more.

Call them to come home.

Because until a man knows he’s a son,

he’ll never become the man he was made to be.

It’s never too late to be a son. And it’s never too late to call others home.